Review: Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa

January 1, 2009 at 10:10 pm | In Movies, Rants, Reviews | 2 Comments
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Why do people feel the need to replace to/too with the number 2? Oh, fucking wow, they’re phonetically identical. You’re really shaking things up by switching them around, aren’t you? Do you want a fucking medal? You know, ‘cos you’re so clever? And creative? And original? And not a complete fucking tool at all?

But let’s not judge the movie on its title alone. The rest of the movie… well, let’s just say the title is the best part.

This movie was fucking terrible. So terrible, in fact, I was unable to stay seated the whole time. Partway through, I simply fell out of my chair, such was my unimaginable loathing for this appalling audiovisual nightmare. Now, I have never in my life walked out of a movie, even when it has reached a point where there is no possible way it can be redeemed. Some kind of misplaced loyalty to the industry, I guess. For whatever reason, I have endured every Satanic hellspawn that Hollywood has thrown my way, beginning to end. Had it not been for the company I was in, I would have left this movie.

To begin, the plot was horrific. Gut-wrenchingly painful. They managed to cram in every possible cliche, haphazardly hacked into pieces then slammed together and held in place with tape and loose bits of string. When the climax of the movie came, and I was barely able to recognise it as a climax, due to the pathetic excuse for drama they slapped onto the side of the movie with some blu tac, hoping it would stick, I was overwhelmed by the impossible unoriginality and predictability of it all. I imagine the script outline was written by throwing some half chewed crayons at the retarded infant offspring of incestual mutant fish-men. And no paper.

The dialogue of the movie was probably just a recording of Chris Rock and Ben Stiller when they were high, drunk, on fire and being dangled upside down by a large snake. Only, they then proceeded to cut out anything that could have actually been processed by an audience with a brain, just to ensure that by the end of the movie, everyone’s grey matter has leaked out their ears and onto the seats. Agonizingly forced ‘cool black lingo’, badly mangled character development, re-used (but not improved) jokes from the first movie and generally deplorable B grade comedy screw ups.

The characters, by the way, have actually regressed since the first movie. They are even shallower and less interesting than ever before, and for that, I commend them. If their intent was to create the worst sequel to a bad movie in the history of cinema, they have done a more than impressive job. They are even more annoying and more difficult to relate to than ever before.

The animation has not improved at all, either. All the models for the other animals are pretty much slightly modified versions of the four main characters, with a few extra thrown in for good luck. It would have been impressive, I don’t know, five years ago? Maybe? It certainly isn’t now, and it wasn’t when the original came out.

If you plan on seeing this movie, I would like to offer some more enjoyable alternatives. They are cheaper, and provide roughly the same sensation, only without the inconvenience  of leaving the house.

Have someone beat your head in repeatedly with a shovel. (This is also an excellent remedy in the event that you DO see the movie)

Swallow glass shards or razor blades.

Travel back in time and catch the bubonic plague.

Attempt to peel your skin entirely off your body.

Take a bath in sulphuric acid.

DO NOT SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

Review: Twilight

December 28, 2008 at 8:10 pm | In Books, Movies, Rants, Reviews | 2 Comments
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First of all, I am sick to fucking death of Twilight. Everyone falls into one of two camps: screaming, whining, immature Edward lovers who think that Twilight is the veritable pinnacle of all that is good in the world, and screaming, whining, immature haters who think that it’s the worst thing to happen to literature/movies since anything.

Fuck you both.

Also, to clarify, I am reviewing both the book and movie here. I am aware that they are very separate entities. I hope you are aware that I don’t give a shit.

So, let’s start with the story. It’s a typical teenage romance. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, blah blah blah random challenge, they overcome it and their love is stronger. She spices it up by making one of the protagonists a vampire (though her interpretation on vampires is fairly loose), but it’s in no way original.

The characters are all fairly two dimensional, and the events offer nothing in the way of excitement, tension, or really any form of emotional response.

That’s it. It’s so mediocre that I can’t muster up anything more than that.

The movie is a fairly decent interpretation, the actors all play their parts well, but not perfectly. Does it change anything? Not really.

So, let’s look at the two sides.

Those who love it love it because regardless of their limited personalities, the characters are all very endearing. The book is easy to read (read: simple) and for the most part, enjoyable. The story, whilst rather lacking, is really just a vehicle for the characters to interact in various ways, and to be exposed to the audience. Basically, it’s a fun, teenage romance about vampires.

Those who hate it target the poor writing, story, character development, lack of realism, and basically anything they can sink their teeth into (no pun intended). They criticise the relationship between Edward and Bella as being very sexist, Edward as being controlling, Bella as being submissive, and the way the relationship forms over a very short period of time. They complain about the way that most of the book is dedicated to describing Edward in basically every even vaguely positive description available.

So basically, they’re both right. Yes, those problems all exist. But they can’t ruin the book unless you let them. No, it’s not a literary masterpiece, but it never claims to be. It’s a story that someone decided to write down and publish, and became popular. If you go into the book with a positive attitude, I almost guarantee you’ll enjoy it. There’s also a very good chance that you will find Edward every bit as irresistible as everyone else. If you go into it expecting crap, crap is what you’ll get. And it’ll be your own fault.

So, fuck you to both parties.

Go fuck yourself, anyone who dedicate any amount of time to pointing out all the flaws that everyone already knows. Go burn your eyes out and replace them with hot coals, all you screaming fuckwits who dedicate yourselves to a FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTER. Go throw up your own intestines, anyone who thinks Twilight is one of the greatest literary pieces of our day. Go lather yourself in honey and feed yourself to fire ants, anyone who thinks that it’s one of the worst.

In fact, basically anyone can go fuck themselves. I’m sick of Twilight.

Review: Quantum of Solace

November 25, 2008 at 4:57 pm | In Movies, Reviews | Leave a Comment
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What. The. Fuck.

I uttered those three words more times than I care to remember during this movie. Completely devoid of anything resembling a plot, dialogue, or character development. It made little to no sense, offered no explanations for anything, and blatantly contradicted itself on more than one occasion.

The movie basically jumps from one action sequence to another, with barely five minutes of… um… something, in between, to attempt to tie them together. Supposedly, these make up the story part of the movie, but in reality, they do little more than confuse you even further, by pretending the movie actually has some sort of substance.

Not that the action sequences weren’t great. For the most part, they were well choreographed, and well performed. They were exciting and a little creative (only a little) and if the movie was sold only on those sequences, it would do fine, and I wouldn’t really have much to complain about.

But, this was a Bond movie, and there are certain expectations of a Bond movie. One of those, of course, is a plot. You need a villain, a crime, and a mystery for Bond to solve. This had only a shadow of that. No gadgets, no Bond chicks, no fancy cars. Really, nothing that makes Bond, Bond, was in this movie.

It felt a lot more like a Bourne movie than a Bond movie. A lot of action, shooting, car chases, shooting, explosions, shooting, and stunts. And shooting. Did I mention that people get shot? Cos they do. A lot.

Daniel Craig is still an excellent Bond. He plays the part brilliantly, and I’m just sorry he had such a terrible script and irritating director to work with. But hopefully the next one will be back to the standards of Casino Royale, or better.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

September 21, 2008 at 7:36 pm | In Movies, Reviews | Leave a Comment
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Oh God, do I wish I was mummified right now. Anything to dull the pain of that dreadful film. It took all my willpower just to remain in the cinema, and to not set fire to the entire complex.

Now, I loved the first two movies. I quite enjoy Brendan Frasier’s acting, most of the time. But this was basically just some people going “hey, let’s make some more money by making another Brendan Frasier movie, and throw the Mummy title on it.” And the similarities end there. The same characters, two of the same actors (yes, only two. Brendan and the idiot brother of the girl. Everyone else is either new or replaced.)

Oh yeah, and apparently everyone in this movie is Superman. People got dragged along the ground and against moving gears and all that, and not only did they not get injured, their clothes weren’t even ripped. Who the hell gets dragged along a road without ripped clothes or scratches? They should have been ground up like beef! Ground beef!

The acting. Oh dear lord, the acting. I’ve seen third grade drama plays with higher quality acting. The best actor in the movie, easily Brendan Frasier, I would only rate as satisfactory. Everyone else was forced, stale, and insincere. Jet Li was his usual awesome self, but since for the vast majority of the movie, he was a walking statue, he doesn’t count.

And of course, the mandatory love story. Aside from both actors being truly woeful, there was no chemistry whatsoever. Plus, the way they fell for each other was just pathetic. Totally unbelievable, and the bad acting just made it worse. Every line they uttered just made me groan and turn away.

The bad guy, Jet Li, like I said before, is a walking statue. You know, terra cotta warrior style. He can shoot fireballs and make ice stab people, for some reason. Oh, and later, he can turn into a three headed dragon and some cat/ape thing. None of this has any explanation or logical reasoning.

I can’t really fault the special effects, but I’m not about to go out and sing their praises, either.

Overall, I hated this movie, and I thoroughly recommend, if you’re going to see it, bring matches. And flammable liquids. If you can’t set the cinema on fire, at least you can set yourself on fire. Perhaps the searing agony and the stink of charred flesh will take your mind off of the enormous pile of steaming shit that is The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.

My eyes are still bleeding…

September 7, 2008 at 8:05 am | In Movies, Reviews | 1 Comment

Happy fathers day! Today, my father decided to take us to Hellboy II. It looked good, he said. I was hesitant, but I couldn’t exactly tell him no on fathers day.

Oh, how I was wrong. I should have told him no. I should have ironed my face off, giving me a legitimate excuse to avoid seeing that agonising monstrosity. I should have stuck rusty nails in my ears, and poured bleach in my eyes, then swallowed an entire bottle of drain cleaner, just to be sure. I should have grated off all my flesh, then rubbed salty, spicy, burning hot acid into my bleeding red innards, in hopes that the pain would make me pass out, and I would be spared the harrowing torture of Hellboy.
I haven’t seen the first Hellboy yet, and since people are telling me the second one is the better of the two, I have no plans in the immediate future to see it. Of course, if I run out of rat poison to swallow, and can’t find a suitably high ledge to hurl myself from, I may consider it, if only to one-up the rest of my masochistic mates.
Let’s start with the plot. A government team consisting of a giant red freak with a popeye sized arm, a zora rip-off with a kind heart, a woman who can catch fire, and a wisp of smoke in a metal suit with a german accent. They have to fight against what I think was an elven prince, who wanted to restore a golden crown, so he could raise an indestructible golden army, and take over the world. One the one hand, it doesn’t really get more cliche than that. On the other hand, no-one could ever make a storyline quite so pathetic and then turn it into a movie. Unless, of course, it was made by Lucifer himself, created specifically to give us a taste of what we’re in for when we all eventually meet him in the afterlife. 
Of course, our hero, Hellboy, wants nothing more than to save the world, and help everyone fight the evil that wants to kill him. They, in true superhero movie fashion, hate him, and think he’s no good, and should be locked up. Oh, and he has a bad attitude and a problem with authority. And his solution to everything is violence and bashing things. Nope, never seen that before. And certainly not ten thousand times. No way. 100% original.
Next, the acting. Oh good lord. I’ve seen more emotion in goldfish. Dead goldfish. Dead goldfish with no faces (presumably because they melted them off, so they wouldn’t accidently catch a glimpse of Hellboy). When fish-face loses the love of his life, a single tear drops down his dead-still face. Even though his eyes are massive, they can do nothing more thank blink, and the rest of his face may as well be stone. 
The humour in this movie, if you could call it humour, is little more than smart-ass comments from our bad-attitude hero, and the occasional mandatory jokes about the gas-monster.
The key selling point, I think, would be the special effects. And I don’t mean special like omg-hollywood blockbuster-super mega budget-blow your socks of special effects. I meant special like the special olympics. Seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised if their visual effects team were either horses, or at the very best, comatose retard children. No offence to the mentally handicapped.
Please, please, please don’t ever submit yourself to this heinous, loathsome and downright nauseating excuse for a film. The only saving grace it has is that it has an ending. Oh, and that you can leave. Which you should. Immediately. In fact, before you even enter the cinema, you should leave. And if you ever go to the movies, again, make sure the cinema you’re in hasn’t had Hellboy on in it before. If it has, leave, demand a refund, and don’t come back until the entire suburb has been decontaminated. Or better yet, nuked, to ensure no traces of it can possibly invade you, and destroy what little humanity you have left.
Conclusion: Bad movie. DO NOT SEE IT. EVER. EVEN IF THEY OFFER YOU MONEY.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to run myself a bath of sulphuric acid, to ensure I am properly cleansed of Hellboy’s filth.

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