Concerning Naked People Fornicating for the Camera (And Stuff Comes Out)

January 6, 2009 at 7:28 pm | In Rants | Leave a Comment
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I read an interesting (kind of) article about the Chinese government trying to crack down on porn (and Google, and about a million other sites. I think the Chinese just hate the internet) and it got me thinking about the nature of pornographic material. The title is a Family Guy reference, for those who care. Also, I know this isn’t their first time cracking down on porn, it happens to be illegal there, and has been for some time. This is just a springboard for the actual rant. Enjoy.

I find it difficult to support a decision to prohibit pornography. Prohibiting it suggests, or more accurately, accuses without fair trial, that something is in some way unfit to exist. Essentially, it takes a personal stance on the issue and applies that opinion to every single person. By banning porn, you are making a blatant statement that not only do you believe it is wrong (and you’re more than welcome to think so) but that you don’t believe anyone, anywhere, should have access to it. And that, I have a problem with.

And not because it’s porn. I don’t think that anything should be outlawed. But I’m going to stay on topic, and only discuss porn in this post, to the best of my ability.

If you personally have a problem with it, you are well within your rights to, and I know this is a radical suggestion, not view it. Allow me to say that again, nice and simple. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to view it. I know, shocking, right? You are also more than welcome to make your stance on the issue clear to anyone and everyone that you feel the need to. You can set up websites, write your little blog, hell, get your own national TV show. You can tattoo it across your forehead and surround it with a big neon sign. I don’t give a shit.

What you cannot do, and I really can’t stress this enough, is tell other people what to think of it. Again, this applies to anything. Your heartfelt objections do not give you the right to force them on anyone else, no matter why you have them. One more time, DO NOT FORCE YOUR OPINION ON OTHER PEOPLE.

And by making porn illegal, you are doing exactly that. You are saying, ‘Your views on porn are unimportant. We disagree with it, so you will too. No questions.’ And I say, fuck that. Who are you to decide? No, if people want to view it, you can’t stop them. That’s depriving people of their own civil liberties, and it’s wrong.

Note that unlike you, I am not forcing these views on anyone. I haven’t tried to get a law passed that prohibits the prohibition of anything. I’m simply stating my views, and no-one is any the worse for it. You could try it sometimes.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to the regulation of pornographic materials. Anything with an adult nature/content needs to be restricted. I do agree that children shouldn’t be exposed to certain things (though that is a rant for another day, political correctness my ass). But regulating something is very different to removing it altogether.

You may have noticed I haven’t outlined my own personal stance on porn. That is because it is not relevant. What I’m objecting to here is not anyone’s stance on the issue, but, and I can’t say this enough times, forcing that stance on other people. I don’t agree with banning porn, I also don’t agree with porn being forced on people (though that, I’m sure, is a far more esoteric concern). I think everyone should have the right to choose what they view, and not have it made for them by some power hungry government (or anyone else, for that matter).

Oh, and for the record, I have no objections to porn, but I have no interest in it myself.

Review: Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa

January 1, 2009 at 10:10 pm | In Movies, Rants, Reviews | 2 Comments
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Why do people feel the need to replace to/too with the number 2? Oh, fucking wow, they’re phonetically identical. You’re really shaking things up by switching them around, aren’t you? Do you want a fucking medal? You know, ‘cos you’re so clever? And creative? And original? And not a complete fucking tool at all?

But let’s not judge the movie on its title alone. The rest of the movie… well, let’s just say the title is the best part.

This movie was fucking terrible. So terrible, in fact, I was unable to stay seated the whole time. Partway through, I simply fell out of my chair, such was my unimaginable loathing for this appalling audiovisual nightmare. Now, I have never in my life walked out of a movie, even when it has reached a point where there is no possible way it can be redeemed. Some kind of misplaced loyalty to the industry, I guess. For whatever reason, I have endured every Satanic hellspawn that Hollywood has thrown my way, beginning to end. Had it not been for the company I was in, I would have left this movie.

To begin, the plot was horrific. Gut-wrenchingly painful. They managed to cram in every possible cliche, haphazardly hacked into pieces then slammed together and held in place with tape and loose bits of string. When the climax of the movie came, and I was barely able to recognise it as a climax, due to the pathetic excuse for drama they slapped onto the side of the movie with some blu tac, hoping it would stick, I was overwhelmed by the impossible unoriginality and predictability of it all. I imagine the script outline was written by throwing some half chewed crayons at the retarded infant offspring of incestual mutant fish-men. And no paper.

The dialogue of the movie was probably just a recording of Chris Rock and Ben Stiller when they were high, drunk, on fire and being dangled upside down by a large snake. Only, they then proceeded to cut out anything that could have actually been processed by an audience with a brain, just to ensure that by the end of the movie, everyone’s grey matter has leaked out their ears and onto the seats. Agonizingly forced ‘cool black lingo’, badly mangled character development, re-used (but not improved) jokes from the first movie and generally deplorable B grade comedy screw ups.

The characters, by the way, have actually regressed since the first movie. They are even shallower and less interesting than ever before, and for that, I commend them. If their intent was to create the worst sequel to a bad movie in the history of cinema, they have done a more than impressive job. They are even more annoying and more difficult to relate to than ever before.

The animation has not improved at all, either. All the models for the other animals are pretty much slightly modified versions of the four main characters, with a few extra thrown in for good luck. It would have been impressive, I don’t know, five years ago? Maybe? It certainly isn’t now, and it wasn’t when the original came out.

If you plan on seeing this movie, I would like to offer some more enjoyable alternatives. They are cheaper, and provide roughly the same sensation, only without the inconvenience  of leaving the house.

Have someone beat your head in repeatedly with a shovel. (This is also an excellent remedy in the event that you DO see the movie)

Swallow glass shards or razor blades.

Travel back in time and catch the bubonic plague.

Attempt to peel your skin entirely off your body.

Take a bath in sulphuric acid.

DO NOT SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

Review: Twilight

December 28, 2008 at 8:10 pm | In Books, Movies, Rants, Reviews | 2 Comments
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First of all, I am sick to fucking death of Twilight. Everyone falls into one of two camps: screaming, whining, immature Edward lovers who think that Twilight is the veritable pinnacle of all that is good in the world, and screaming, whining, immature haters who think that it’s the worst thing to happen to literature/movies since anything.

Fuck you both.

Also, to clarify, I am reviewing both the book and movie here. I am aware that they are very separate entities. I hope you are aware that I don’t give a shit.

So, let’s start with the story. It’s a typical teenage romance. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, blah blah blah random challenge, they overcome it and their love is stronger. She spices it up by making one of the protagonists a vampire (though her interpretation on vampires is fairly loose), but it’s in no way original.

The characters are all fairly two dimensional, and the events offer nothing in the way of excitement, tension, or really any form of emotional response.

That’s it. It’s so mediocre that I can’t muster up anything more than that.

The movie is a fairly decent interpretation, the actors all play their parts well, but not perfectly. Does it change anything? Not really.

So, let’s look at the two sides.

Those who love it love it because regardless of their limited personalities, the characters are all very endearing. The book is easy to read (read: simple) and for the most part, enjoyable. The story, whilst rather lacking, is really just a vehicle for the characters to interact in various ways, and to be exposed to the audience. Basically, it’s a fun, teenage romance about vampires.

Those who hate it target the poor writing, story, character development, lack of realism, and basically anything they can sink their teeth into (no pun intended). They criticise the relationship between Edward and Bella as being very sexist, Edward as being controlling, Bella as being submissive, and the way the relationship forms over a very short period of time. They complain about the way that most of the book is dedicated to describing Edward in basically every even vaguely positive description available.

So basically, they’re both right. Yes, those problems all exist. But they can’t ruin the book unless you let them. No, it’s not a literary masterpiece, but it never claims to be. It’s a story that someone decided to write down and publish, and became popular. If you go into the book with a positive attitude, I almost guarantee you’ll enjoy it. There’s also a very good chance that you will find Edward every bit as irresistible as everyone else. If you go into it expecting crap, crap is what you’ll get. And it’ll be your own fault.

So, fuck you to both parties.

Go fuck yourself, anyone who dedicate any amount of time to pointing out all the flaws that everyone already knows. Go burn your eyes out and replace them with hot coals, all you screaming fuckwits who dedicate yourselves to a FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTER. Go throw up your own intestines, anyone who thinks Twilight is one of the greatest literary pieces of our day. Go lather yourself in honey and feed yourself to fire ants, anyone who thinks that it’s one of the worst.

In fact, basically anyone can go fuck themselves. I’m sick of Twilight.

Phenomenal

December 12, 2008 at 6:33 pm | In Rants | Leave a Comment
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This was originally going to be a lot longer, but I ran out of steam, so you can have the short version instead.

I heard an ad on the radio, something along the lines of “Disney’s phenomenal High School Musical blah blah blah”

A movie is NOT fucking phenomenal. Especially not one as shit as High School Musical. The original post for this was about how so many words have lost their meaning today, but I can’t be fucked. So instead, I’m just going to say that the only thing phenomenal about High School Musical is how such a low grade movie became so popular. Fuck off, Disney.

Word

December 10, 2008 at 4:13 pm | In Musings, Rants | Leave a Comment
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Fuck I’ve been blogging a lot lately. I go through stages in which I have a lot to say. I should learn to space it out somewhat.

Today’s topic? Words.

I was thinking about my grasp of the english language, and the relationship I have with words and phrases, and I realised, it does not work in the same way for me, as it does for other people. For most people, it seems, they know words, and they use them as per their knowledge. It’s simple, it works, it makes sense. You don’t use words you don’t know, or don’t know the meaning of, right?

But for me, it’s not like that. I have a certain level of understanding that allows me to use a word, without implicitly knowing the definition of that word. By which I mean, I can use a word in a sentence, but if you asked me to define it, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

It comes more from an understanding of how a word works, as opposed to what a word means. I know how to use words, I know where to put them and when, but I don’t know how to actually define those words, or explain them.

I think it’s something born of a lot of experience and use of something. In my case, language. I’m a writer, and so my relationship with words is different to that of most people. For an artist, I think they see things differently, and musicians hear things differently. The more we use something, the more our proficiency and comprehension of it is enhanced.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong, and that’s how it works for everyone. But it certainly doesn’t feel that way. And I enjoy that. I appreciate that it makes me different. Not better, I wouldn’t really consider it an advantage, or superiority. Just a different way of thinking.

And I think about words a lot. I hear a word, and I think about how it’s structured. I think about what the different parts of the word mean, and how the word may have originated. I think about how its meaning may have evolved, and how it relates to other words. Words are more than just a medium of expression to me, they’re an art form. Even a single word could be subject to a critical review, should someone feel like dedicating the time to it.

And this infatuation I have with words is ever growing. I look back on things I wrote mere weeks ago with scorn, appalled at my horrendous disregard for the forms and structures that are burned so deeply into my subconscious.

This leads further, too. It is from these origins that my fervent disdain for the destruction of language is born. By which I refer to the disgusting and mutated dialect that has devolved over the internet. Useless slang, unnecessary abbreviations, obscene acronyms, and a purposeful disregard for grammar and spelling. Any time I read these unashamed mutilations of language, I am filled with a fury and loathing unlike any I could ever restrain. 

Of course, most of it originates from 4chan. But no matter the birthing, nay spawning place of these hideous evils, I cannot abide them. Though language is constantly evolving and changing, and certainly it’s become infinitely more colloquial than ages past, but this is different. It’s wrong. And it makes me sick.

FanFiction Rules

December 6, 2008 at 12:43 pm | In Complaints, Rants | Leave a Comment
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I hate fanfictions. If I had my way, anyone who had ever written one would have it printed, shredded, then used to cover them in so many papercuts they bled to death. Except before they did, I’d pour acid into their wounds.

Fanfictions are the lowest of the low on the creativity scale. Not only can they not create their own original work, they don’t even have the creative ability to create a thinly veiled rip off. Instead, they keep all the original work, and then call it a ‘fan fiction’ and that somehow makes it ok. Fuck you, it doesn’t make it okay. Get your own fucking story you useless fucking piece of shit.

But I understand that they have a time and a place, and so, I propose the following rules, to ensure that fanfictions stay in the realm of ignorable evil, and don’t warrant mass slaughter.

1. Do not use the authors characters. You don’t know them like the author does. You don’t understand them. Anything you know about them is purely observational, and no matter how deeply you study them, only the author can ever truly get inside them, and understand what makes them tick. They belong to the author, and you CAN NOT TOUCH THEM.

2. Do not touch the author’s story. Don’t write anything that changes it, or even has an impact on it. Leave it the fuck alone. Don’t try and explain things the author didn’t, or try to consider the consequences of the main story. The author likely has their own idea about that. Your story can wrap around their story as much as you want, as long as it has NO EFFECT on the main story. At all.

3. The best times for fanfictions are in large, open worlds, like those found in sci-fi and fantasy stories. Want to write a Star Wars fan fiction? Great! Don’t use Darth Vader. Don’t try to explain the origins of Yoda. But by all means, have a story about a Jedi with so many lightsabers, they have lightsaber fucking teeth. That’s cool. It still lacks the creativity of an original work, but at least you have original characters and story.

4. For the love of God, learn to fucking write. If you want to write a fanfiction, USE FUCKING ENGLISH. Or, whatever language you want to write it in. But do it properly. Pay attention to spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. Do NOT use internet slang, do NOT write it like your dumbass msn conversations. This is a work of real literature (albeit a pathetic and unoriginal one) and it deserves to be treated as such.

5. Do NOT try and claim it as your own. Give the original author credit, and if you dare try and earn money from it, I will visit you in your sleep, and cut open your eyeballs, then fill them with fire ants. Accept that you’re a third rate rip off artist, and everything is fine.

Now, I understand that a lot of fan fiction is just for fun, or just for people to enjoy. If you want to write ‘The Additional Adventures of Edward Cullen” purely for the purposes of giving Twilight fans something else to read, fine. Do it. But accept that you are a worthless piece of slimy waste, with nothing of value to contribute to anything. If you write it and try to pass it off as a legitimate piece of literature, you can burn in fucking Hell, and I hope the first thing they do is grind up your fucking fingers and force feed them to you, mixed in with your own fecal matter, which would still be an improvement on your work.

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